This site will be moving hosting over the next few days so I'll apologise now for any odd effects.

 

It should be an interesting process...

I posted this to an Alexithymia group in response to a comment someone posted about how their girl seemed to struggle with sorry. It might give you a little more insight into how my mind seems to work I suppose...

 

Perhaps it's important to address the difference between "feeling" sorry and "being" sorry and, perhaps, empathy.

 

From my point of view, if I can see that someone is upset by something I've done then I will "be" sorry - I will do anything I can to undo what I've done to make them upset. Similarly to if they are upset from another cause - I will attempt to deal with that. However, I find that "feeling" sorry is different - I find it difficult to comfort someone who is upset as I simply don't know what to do, instead I primarily focus on dealing with what has made them upset in order to stop.

 

I assume that in normal circumstances people are sorry due to an empathic response - they see someone else upset and feel upset themselves (this is what I've been led to believe). I don't feel this way; if I see someone upset I think something along the lines of "people should not be upset, this person is upset, therefore they must be stopped from being upset" and will act on that. Something which causes problems elsewhere as I will often blame myself for them being upset, whether it is my fault or not, and, if I can't help, I will blame myself for that too.

 

Frankly, my life seems to consist of a collection of these rules, not the "gut feelings" people talk about.

 

So, in short, I can "be" sorry/remorseful for something I've done, as long as I know that it's affected you in that way - I do not intuitively "feel" sorry that I've wronged you unless I can see that I have. Also, there is no difference whether I've caused it, someone else has caused it or whether it's a person or animal.

 

If I cannot see that you have been affected by it then it's unlikely I will be, unless it's violated some "internal rule". Also, once it has stopped visibly affecting you I'm unlikely to "brood" over it and tend to assume that it's all done with, eg. I don't hold grudges or I can have a row with someone and then be perfectly normal with them immediately afterwards. (Although I may punish myself for doing it for some time, but that's another problem).

 

Another bit to add to that (which wasn't in the post) is a bit about another emotion/feeling: pride...

 

The only vaguely creative thing I appear to be able to do is to write software. After writing something which either solves a particularly difficult problem or such I can look at the code and think "that is good code" - I have seen, and written, code which can be described as beautiful, either in simplicity or function. However, I never feel pride in the fact that I wrote it. It makes no difference if I wrote it or someone else did - the perception of the "beauty" of it will be the same and I won't "feel" any different about it.

 

Perhaps this explains some of the reasons I have problems with this goal orientated stuff they keep going on about - I don't feel any pride or accomplishment that I've completed something (a goal or otherwise), I just either think of ways to improve it or to move on to the next thing.

The site's content management software has been upgraded. If you find something amiss please tell me.

 

WARNING * SELF-HARM
The following contains information which may be triggering.
Make sure you are safe before reading it.

 

As you can see, I'm still alive (unfortunately). It's certainly not for lack of desire, just lack of action.

 

I'm not asking you to give

I want you to take

 

I've mentioned this before but all this seems to have started after watching a film. In the film the "hero" goes after those who murdered his ex-girlfriend. Looking through my film collection a lot of them have romantic elements varying from romantic comedies to the typical "American Pie" type films. None of these ever set anything off like this before and I've been trying to figure out why.

 

Now, as you will know if you've read much else on here, I've never had a girlfriend but do think about having one quite a bit (well, having someone to care about anyway). However (and here's the link between the film, the thoughts and the lyrics above) as I have no experience of anything involved I only really think of it from the point of view of what I would do, not what someone else would do for me. It's always how I would treat them, what I could do for them, how it would feel to have someone to care about, never what would it feel like to have someone care for me.

 

Perhaps this is why the film had such an effect - it was about what he could do for her. Early in the film she states that she doesn't want his help but he tries, and when he's too late he goes after those responsible. Having written this down it now seems absurd but at least it gets it out of my head.

 

Some other things which were going on at that time may have been involved too: again, reading this site will tell you that I have pretty much no contact with women outside of family. Except for the wives of friends (another issue for another day) I don't really know any and even then, you're not going to have a deep conversation with someone else's wife are you?

 

However, I had been using a social networking/chat site for some time prior to all this starting up where some of the most talkative users were women and I got to knowing them much better than any person I know in real life - in fact, the longest/deepest conversations regarding emotions/feelings I've ever had (with women, men or family - we don't do emotions here) were with these women. Perhaps this is tied in too - it makes a change for a woman (or anyone, really) to give a shit about me and what I'm feeling instead of just being demeaning. I was bullied at school, mostly by women - in fact, thinking back now, I can only think of 2 or 3 girls who I knew who didn't.

 

Also, I was taking part in a CBT group which obviously involves dealing with feelings - something I've never done. Personally, I think there's some broken link between emotions and feelings - I seem to experience anger, depression, loneliness etc but not until they become overwhelming. Why this is I have no idea - something which causes trouble with CBT and this in general - how can I deal with the feelings if I don't have them/can't experience/identify them or even why I get them?

 

This leads us on to something else. Self-esteem - what you think of yourself/how you like yourself. I don't. I have hated myself for 15-odd years. This is a problem with all this as I really don't see why anyone would give a shit about me.

 

As far as I'm concerned I'm just not worth someone else making the effort to love me. Aside from being physically unattractive all I have emotionally to offer is this fucked up mess. I've got no experience in any of this so who's going to want to go through having to show me how you deal with relationships or put up with my trying to figure it out? I've always thought I was romantic and would make a good boyfriend - that's pretty much self delusion I would think - I would imagine I would be fairly awful - "clingy", inexperienced, etc. I think I'm asking a bit much for anyone to want to deal with all that?

 

I pretty much hate everything about myself, physically, emotionally and everything else - I hate how I look, I hate that every time I see people in love that I feel shit, I hate that I have no experience of this nor never will have and can't just fucking accept it. I hate that I can't deal with this. I hate that I'm getting others involved in this. I hate that people try to help - why bother for crying out loud - you're only wasting your time, find someone more deserving. I hate that I keep going on about suicide and see it as the best solution but don't have the bollocks to just do it. I hate that I just wish I was somebody, anybody, else. I hate the decisions I've made to get me here. I hate that *I* made those decisions. I hate (but accept) that I should be punished for those decisions. I hate that I simply don't have enough words to explain or get across how much I hate myself, and everything about myself, and have done for so long (loath/disgust/despise/vile?). I hate that all this crap sounds so pathetic.

 

I mentioned during the CBT one day believing that "I don't deserve love" but I couldn't explain what I meant by it. I think the problem was that the words were wrong, they should be "I'm not worth love". Frankly, I'm not worth anything - hope (hope is simply another way I get to punish myself), the love/family etc. that I wanted (that's never going to happen, I have no idea how to get it). I'm not worth someone caring about me and I'm still amazed that there are people who seem to - why? surely you can think of something better to do? I think it all boils down to simply the fact that I'm not worth anyone's time, effort or concern. Yes, I help people out and such but they could easily do it themselves or find someone else who could.

 

You know, everything I know about love and relationships comes from films. Perhaps it's best that way and I just need to accept that it's going to remain that way - at least then I don't have to put someone else through the effort and inevitable heartache that being with me would entail and I don't have to lose the dreams (which have led to a fucking nightmare) of what love would be like? The trouble is that that's too much - to accept that everything you wanted is lost. If so, I don't want to be alive (more of that in another document, you may get to read it one day if I'm lucky).

 

Finally, and I suppose I should put this here - this is supposed to be about being honest, I've started cutting again.

 

Several weeks ago my parents (you'll remember - I still live at home. At 29, I hate that too) found out and told me to stop. As with everything else I'm told to do - I did exactly as I was told (another for the hate list). Well, the last few days have been too much and I started again.

 

It's funny, during the time I'd stopped I tried other methods - using needles and such to scratch myself etc. This worked as a punishment - it felt "right" but never as the release I got from cutting - cutting works immediately, it's like someone presses a "reset button". This only seems to work if blood is drawn though. Also, enough must be drawn - whilst cutting you feel if enough is done and if not you will need to do more, at a certain point something just flips and you can stop as you feel so much better and can function again. Trouble is, it all comes back. And it makes you wonder - how fucked up do you need to be that the only way you can deal with your emotions is to take a knife to your body?

 

That's enough for now. Welcome back to the living hell that is my life. Hopefully it won't be for too much longer.

 

Well, that's it. Every day the last few days I've woken up straight into panic which I then suffer throughout the day along with the depression and everything else. It's even possible to experience the mental element of the depression (the thoughts, the continual questioning, the hate, failure and loss) whilst suffering the physical symptoms of the panic and the two feed off each other. I've no control over my body or mind these days.

 

I've mentioned it before but my life has become a living nightmare - if I'm not experiencing the physical symptoms of depression panic or rage then I'm experiencing them mentally, either at the same time or different. It's even possible to experience different things mentally and physically. And if I'm not experiencing something then I'm dreading it coming back - there's no rest, I'm constantly stressed, on edge and agitated. I can't concentrate on anything to try to distract it and it really is hell. Sometimes I wish I could write poetry - perhaps then this could be explained since I simply don't have the words. I don't know what it would take for you to think that being dead is better than living but I've really passed that point.

 

I've said many times on here that I wanted a family. Well, that's not going to happen - certainly not based on the decision I've come to but it wasn't anyway. I seem pretty much incapable of feeling emotions properly so despite what I hoped/thought/dreamed? I'm never going to be able to love someone. I'm never going to be able to feel enjoyment or pride or hope in my kids or wife. I can't do it now in myself or anyone else so why would it suddenly change? It wouldn't. And anyway, even if I was to have kids what the hell would I do to them? Christ, I'm this fucked up and I can't stand the idea that I may pass it all on to anyone else.

 

Anyway, the decision in the title is that I now know, and fully accept, I will kill myself. I've decided on the method and I did have a date but I'm not sure I will even be able to wait that long, this is simply too much. Now I know anyone reading this (if anyone does) would simply say don't do it but I'm beyond that. I know it's the coward's way out and that I should "be strong, and work through it" but this is not an option any more. I don't care what you think - I am not living like this. We're all just passing the time until we die, I'm just leaving early. To be honest, I don't think I'll have many regrets - just that I will never be able to experience the emotions having kids would give. But as I say - I wouldn't be able to if I remained alive so I'm not going to regret it too much. Perhaps that's the biggest thing I wish had been different: that I'd have been able to experience emotions properly - joy, happiness and such. From talking to others, life seems much richer when you can.

 

You know, before all this I was scared senseless at the idea of dying (it actually triggered the same panic feelings I get now, I just never knew what they were). I dealt with it in the way I supposed most people do - I tried to believe in religion, tried never to think about it or just figured I would live forever and it wouldn't be an issue for me. It's ironic that after all that I will die by my own hand. I'm no longer bothered by the idea, life is now so bad that I welcome death - it's the end of this pain.

 

Although never really religious (faith doesn't work for me - I need evidence to accept something) this has proven to me that there is no god. However, even if the Catholics are right and there is one then I've only got this to say: "Fuck you. I never asked to be alive and frankly didn't want it - you 'give' me this life which is so fucked up (either by me or by design) that I can't even experience the one fucking emotion which the human experience is supposed to be about - joy. I don't want this hollow shell of a fucking life and don't think I ever did. If suicide means hell then good - here's one fucking soul you won't be getting, you cunt."

 

I would say I'm sorry for the suffering I'm going to cause to others but I'm not. I don't wish the suffering on anyone but I don't know what "sorry" really means. It means nothing to me, it's simply a word - it makes me feel nothing.

 

I've made a list of things I need to do before I can go through with it - people to contact, notes to write, things to cancel. And you know what? - I feel nothing except relief.

 

I've finally taken control.

First, the best metaphor to describe how this seems to work:

 

Imagine a sea-wall during a storm - as the storm progresses the water rises against the wall. Now imagine that there's a guard posted to watch the level rising and alert the authorities that the water's getting high and they should evacuate areas behind the wall. Now, this is how a normal person experiences emotions: they will feel sad/happy/depressed etc. start to build up from a low level onwards and be able to recognise that they are feeling bad and try to cope before it becomes a problem. This is the point of CBT - recognise emotions, determine the thoughts behind them and address those thoughts to show that they are wrong hoping that if you accept that they are wrong the emotions will change.

 

Now imagine the same scene but remove the guard and imagine being in a building behind the wall. At some point, the water will come surging over the wall and destroy the building you're in with no prior warning - you won't know what caused the building to come down but it's shockingly unexpected. This is how I "experience" emotions. I will be thinking of something (often unrelated to any of this) or not thinking - ie. watching TV and all of a sudden from nowhere will come the physical symptoms of rage, hatred, fear, panic, despair and they will be overwhelming and totally uncontrollable. And there will be no mental element - I will not "know" what I'm feeling ("know" is the wrong word - comprehend? understand? - there's just nothing, not even a blank where something should be; this is what's so difficult to explain - it's not a case of there being something missing, there's nothing to miss. I suppose the best analogy would be to imagine someone throwing a ball to you but it not turning up - you would be confused as to why, but it's not this - it's as though no one threw the ball in the first place - there is nothing to catch or even get confused about.)

 

By physical symptoms I mean increased heart rate, sweating, the animal feeling of run, far and fast (at least I do - you feel it in your body, not head) or to simply hide. These seem primal as there's no concious thought involved. Sometimes I'm able to continue doing what I was before whilst all this is going on (sometimes the symptoms are mild), other times the symptoms are so powerful they overwhelm the ability to think. But, AT NO TIME DO I "THINK" WHAT I'M FEELING - there is no cognition at work, it's all bodily.

 

I'm on edge all the time, whilst writing this I've just had to unclench my jaws, something I know I will go straight back to doing - it's not a concious act any more. None of this is concious and that brings me to:

 

I think I'm losing my mind. I have no control over this. I have no way of figuring out when it's going to come - sometimes I can feel it building but not most of the time. It will eventually dissipate (usually) but it takes a long time and thinking has little effect on it. HOW CAN YOU NOT BE IN CONTROL OF YOUR OWN BODY? Everything is so out of control and I've no idea what to do to deal with it.

 

When I'm not dealing with an "episode" I am highly stressed anyway (unclench the jaw again - I told you I would) I don't see how CBT is going to work. I can technically see it but how can you get in touch with your emotions when it seems that the mental/physical link is simply not there? Thinking back I can come up with several times where I've had episodes before - where I've been overwhelmed but not knowing why.

 

The major problem is that during the episodes I (now) recognise 3 distinct patterns of symptoms: panic, depression and rage. Panic causes hyperventilation, makes it very difficult to think straight, triggers the animal "fight-or-flight" response as flight. If I can think it's usually terror and "I can't go on like this". Thankfully, panic tends to dissipate fairly quickly (although it comes in waves - shortly after stopping it will hit again). Even the stopping tends to be abrupt, it's like it breaks through at 90%, reaches 100% then as it drops back past 90% it goes back under the surface where I can't see it.

 

Depression is what it says - thinking tends to slow, I can't move, I simply want to curl up into a ball and cry. Crying comes a lot - but again, if you think "why?" there's no answer. Rage is the most worrying. Heart rate shoots up, and fight-or-flight turns to fight. The problem is that I'm the only one to fight - this is coming from me so I must be dealt with. I think a lot of the self-harm is related to this - it's about the only way to deal with it which works. The problem with it is what else is likely to happen - yesterday I was ready to slit my wrists. I managed to throw the knife away (I've no idea how, or why [- yet again, no answer to "why?"]) and not do it obviously but it was one of the hardest things I've done in a long time.

 

Although they are usually distinct, all three can come in a sequence.

 

The problems start with thinking about suicide. Depression doesn't usually allow any thinking so suicide isn't so much of a problem. When panicking suicide is a way out (and one I will probably end up taking). Rage makes suicide an active proposition - I want to die; well, all 3 result in that but rage is different - preferably it should be in an extremely violent way (instead of the quiet way I've chosen). I'm also not entirely sure I will have the ability to stop it again.

 

I spend all the time watching to see if there's any change in the underlying stress to try to be ready for the surge but it's not working. It's a constant vigil which makes dealing with life and other people so hard. And it's so tiring, I'm not sure how long I can keep it up. And I'm not sure how long I want to.

Another metaphor for the way this seems to work:

 

All my emotions and feelings seem as though they are trapped in a box. When feeling a strong emotion it's as though the emotion thrashes around inside that box shaking it. I'm on the outside of the box and this thrashing about is visible but what's causing it is not, each time I have the same response (feeling sick, heart rate goes up, feeling cold or hot, sweating, feelings of panic, crying, feeling "I must get away" and such - typical strong fear response). By cutting myself I'm able to release the emotion causing the problem without actually acknowledging or dealing with it - it's like closing your eyes and opening the box to let it out.

 

I'm writing about this again because this morning I woke up thinking about last night's post (presumably I dreamt about it - it's the sort of thing I would dream about) and was thinking about how I don't like hugging family and friends. This got me wondering about hugging, or cuddling, a lover - something which seems very romantic and something I would want to do (I think about this sort of stuff much more than sex). It's odd really, I don't like physical contact with family, friends or such - the most you'll usually get is a handshake but with a lover I imagine would be completely different - touching her face, cuddling her, holding hands, running your fingers through her hair and so on.

 

After several minutes of thinking about this (and creating a mental image) suddenly the tears come along with all the other symptoms listed above, heart rate up, a cold sweat and so on but no feelings except "I can't cope with this" and I ended up pulling all the scabs of the cuts on my legs (making them all bleed) in order to regain some control.

 

I NEVER KNOW WHY I FEEL THIS FUCKING WAY and it's starting to piss me off - how the hell can anyone live like this for fuck's sake? How the hell am I supposed to deal with something which goes from thinking to panic with no noticeable intermediary point? Analysing it now I can presume that I had feelings of loneliness, despair, based on "I will never find someone" and so on but none of this was there at the time - just the fucking fear.

 

Even what's written here doesn't explain it properly. It seems so alien to not know about your own fucking emotions or to be able to feel or name them. And it's so damn pathetic that I have to look up the meanings of all the emotions on Wikipedia just so I can understand what they should feel like and when you should feel them - how can you not just fucking know, for crying out loud?

 

Finally, you may have noticed that a lot of these posts include song lyrics. They're usually there because they put into words what I simply cannot - they evoke what I assume an emotion should feel like as, honestly, I have probably never knowingly experienced it. However, they're usually pulled from a site called Song Meanings where people post what a song meant to them - it's the only fucking way I can understand what I should have felt. I have to look up what people felt for films, TV shows and even games. It's a fucking joke.

 

I've mentioned before that this started with a film. Maybe that's the issue - I finally managed to experience an emotion: love. And it was for a character in a fucking film.

 

I've mentioned this term before - it's "an inability to understand and express emotions". There's also a link to spontaneous imagination.

 

I've been doing this CBT course for a bit now and understand how it should work and what it's for (and in some cases can see how I would use it) but I'm still stuck with one major part of it: identifying what you feel at a given point.

 

The thought diary from a previous post mentioned feelings such as loneliness, despair, hopelessness and worthlessness. Now, those are what I assume I feel - I figured them out - I believe that I'm worthless (and have done since 15) due to failing at life: I can't deal with emotions, I've never had a girlfriend (at 29), I still live with my parents and so on. I crave a relationship - presumably due to being lonely - I have no-one. I have no hope that a) I can get over this, b) I can find anyone etc. so hopeless and despair - I have depression, they're from the same root.

 

When asked to explain how I feel I can only answer with "crap". I just can't tell you why. Another example, talking about this in the group (and often thinking about it) causes me to get upset. However, the last couple of times I've been thinking a bit and, for the life of me, I do not know why - I just do. Another example, I mentioned in a previous post that the deaths of anyone close to me do not bother me but I cry at funerals - I've thought about this at the time and it goes with news articles about kids being killed by the parents - I don't know why it upsets me - it seems like it's just "something you should feel", but it certainly isn't something that I DO feel. Another one is seeing a woman in distress - this upsets me but again, I've no idea why and cannot provide any comfort - all I end up doing is trying to find whoever's responsible to shout at or hit.

 

I also mentioned that it's related to spontaneous imagination. This got me thinking about that: when asked in the group if any of the listed emotions (which I had to figure out remember) were accompanied by images, I responded by saying that I don't think I have an imagination.

 

I obviously do have one as I can imagine some things and have fantasies. However, I have to "think" them up. An often mentioned example on here is of "watching your lover sleep". This is not something which just "turned up" one day, this is based on the facts that being able to watch someone sleep means a) you are in the same bed, b) they are willing to sleep whilst you are there - they are at ease, c) they are "at peace", d) your lover will obviously be beautiful to you so you will want to look at them, and a few more I can't quite recall, but anyway, the image is rooted in reason rather than emotion. I've obviously never done it (it is a fantasy after all, and I've never had a lover to share a bed with) but I imagine it would be nice. Emotionally I presume you would feel love, happiness etc. but they are simply words - I've no idea of what it would actually feel like.

 

Something else I've been thinking about recently are a few other images I do have (these are mentioned elsewhere too) of typical "dark" images, a caped young woman on a hill at night with a storm coming, a dark, deep forest glade in the rain, various far future images (these are probably from the books I read). All of these (except the first) have no people in them, even the first has no emotion (the predominant feeling is that what I feel before a storm - a sort of "electric" feeling in the air, and anticipation). I also have a couple of "odd" romantic ones: a ruined city in the far future with a young couple sheltering in the ruins as the city is destroyed by some massive weapon (they are killed) and a scene set on a bridge on a clear, warm night where a young couple, who have been drinking, meet, she is crying and he comforts her, then they both commit suicide by jumping. In both, the boy is me, the girl is undefined.

 

Now, all those images have to be thought up. I've never dreamt them and they have never come into my head unless I've deliberately recalled them. They also do not vary.

 

They are also not daydreams - something else I have never done. When I have nothing to do I may think of those images (rarely), replay parts of films or books in my mind, play word games in my head (girls/boys names beginning with each letter of the alphabet etc) or sort "top 10" style lists (odd girls names, favourite songs etc) in my head or think about web design/programming - something logical. None of this is automatic though. If bored my mind simply suspends itself until I start thinking of something or find something to do - I have a very low tolerance of boredom.

 

As far as dreaming goes - I've always said that I don't. I've had one or two I suppose and they've either been about work I've been doing on the computer, or, one particularly vivid one was about the technical aspects of planning and executing a bank robbery.

 

None of the dreams or images involve emotions and, except for me, the other people are never defined - not even faces. Sometimes I will assign the girl in the romantic ones to someone I've seen on TV or such but it doesn't change them.

 

One last point: I presumably can feel emotions in a physical way. For example, all this makes me feel violently ill and I have cold sweats and all sorts. I (think) I was in love once but even that was felt more physically - "butterflys" in your stomach, a tingly feeling and wanting to be near that person.

 

Oh well. None of this is much help as even if I do have any traits related to the condition it just means that the usual therapies probably won't work. Doesn't help me get over it or find anyone does it?

 

 

 

Whilst looking for something completely different I managed to end up on a site about dating. I figured whilst I was there I might as well read a couple of the articles. The first was about "old fashioned dates" which encompassed pretty much all the things I assumed were what people did on dates (the movies, a restaurant etc.) and the other was on "alternative places to pull".

 

Anyway, after reading the articles and deciding that I neither understood them nor would they ever be happening I closed the window. The window behind contained a page regarding problems dealing with double-precision IEEE floating point arithmetic which I had been reading earlier. And completely understanding.

 

Pathetic really isn't it: I can understand the complex maths but not how to meet someone.

 

I think the answer to these problems is fairly simple - I need to forget everything I've ever wanted: I'm not going to have the family I want so badly. I will not be moving out of my parent's place. And the future basically consists of feeling like this.

 

At least I'll have the solace that the future won't be all that long if I can just find the courage.

 

 

I've been thinking more about the root cause of this depression and am wondering if loss is involved more deeply than I thought.

 

The whole depression started 5ish years ago with the loss of the only real full time job I'd had. At the time (and since) I've never felt any sense of loss over it.

 

This episode started with watching a film about a guy who's girlfriend (and unborn child) is murdered - something which I think of as being the worst thing I could imagine - again though, loss. I've mentioned before the deaths of several people close to me which have never bothered me; their deaths had no effect but I got upset to some degree at each funeral, before and after I've had no concerns. I understand (logically) why people get upset about this but not emotionally - I cannot feel the same way.

 

The film is also set within a school with a cast who are meant to be teenagers. Perhaps subconsciously that's related to loss as well: I never really did what teenagers usually do - something that I now regret but cannot do anything about - again, loss - the loss of being a teenager.

 

I mentioned that the self-harm and such started at about the age of 15. This was the time I went to the high school - the time you are supposed to be starting to grow up, think about the future and people around me started having relationships - this is the "loss of childhood" and so on. I never got involved with relationships and cannot deal with the future - perhaps by turning to self hate and self-destruction I found a way to deal with the loss without having to deal with it directly. I certainly remember having thoughts about a wasted life even then.

 

Even now, previous posts have mentioned regrets and such with regard to relationships: the fact that I will not share someone's first kiss or first time making love as they will have done both already - the loss of an experience I, perhaps, have romanticised/elevated to some level far too much, but would have been possible if only I'd made the fucking effort back then.

 

For a short while I lived alone, then all this started and I had to come back to my parents (and am still here). Again, at the time I felt no real sense of loss of the independence but do now - little things like choosing what you want to do, what to eat etc.

 

Maybe that's the root cause of this - simply that all the fucking feelings of loss have decided to turn up now. It would explain the film as a trigger, the attempts to destroy any hope of change, perhaps even the desire for a relationship: the idea that finding someone who cares for you is pretty much the opposite of loss [life affirming? this is where the ability to find words to explain this breaks down]. Perhaps this explains why I've never had a relationship: the fear of losing the person you love (if this is the case, it's buried deep and it's a fucking stupid reason to have done what I've done).

 

The trouble is this: if this is simply all that loss that I'm feeling then I've no way to deal with it - I've spent 30 years avoiding it or not understanding it and certainly not letting? myself feel it, that I've no way to deal with it now or even understand it. All this just seems like flailing in the dark for a fucking answer.

 

The wrong ways to deal with it (but the the only ways I have) are I'm cutting myself now more than I've ever done and still want, overwhelmingly, to die and simply end what I'm feeling.

 

 

You know, I look back and I've got no memories. I've never done anything memorable in my entire life.

 

 

This is probably going to be "disjointed" as there's a lot to this which I either don't want to think about or simply can't let myself think about...

 

Sometimes it's said that the cure can be worse than the disease. Yesterday I saw the doctor again he mentioned a few things which have been mentioned before about moving out, trying to deal with the personal issues etc. - these are things I want to do. The problem is that I cannot allow myself to hope that they will work.

 

I used to be something of an optimist - I would try anything figuring that it would probably work out OK in the end. This has become less and less the case as time's gone by with this. These days I'm more likely to simply avoid trying anything new or to do it expecting nothing - I cannot hope that it will work out.

 

As you will know, I spent Xmas in a mental health facility. Now, given the type of place it is, the fact I was there for trying to kill myself and such, the people there were obviously trying to "keep your spirits up". You were encouraged to think about the future - make goals and hope you could achieve them. Unfortunately, this has since led to 4 weeks of what is basically a personal hell.

 

Immediately after leaving the hospital I was back into the environment I was in before - the one which, remember, I had felt was bad enough that I wanted to die. All the hope the hospital had fostered simply came crashing down and I'm still trying to deal with it - all I now have are a series of goals which I have to try as hard as possible to suppress because THEY ARE NOT POSSIBLE. I cannot allow myself to hope otherwise as the loss of the hope is the worst thing possible.

 

I've mentioned before that the most soul-destroying part of this is the destruction of any, and all, hope - there simply is nothing to live for. The problem now is that I'm starting to wonder - is this directly my fault: I'm trying to cope by not allowing myself to hope for the future or any changes in it and is this then feeding back into the problem in the first place. The trouble is, I see no other way of coping - I cannot allow myself to hope for anything as seeing that hope fail only makes things worse.

 

Presumably on some level I must have some hope as I'm still here. I still go to the CBT group and am willing to try whatever people come up with to try but I'm not sure if this hope or simply obligation - they are making the effort so I must. I know that left alone I would probably just try to kill myself again.

 

Perhaps that's the only hope I've got left: the hope that one day I can simply end all this. I know that's about the only thing I can see coming true.